...and I wrote this little thing.


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Autumn Sensation

The scent of freeze is in the air
Tonight the stars will greet me
I see the leaves fall on my hair
The branch has set them free

Clouds are swaying 'cross the sky
For them I bid farewell
Yes, I know they won't reply
Them will the winds dispel

I see the first light above my head
Glowing faintly in the void
Pale is the light that it will shed
Still the shine I can't avoid

The edge of the endless skies
Is so very near
It can sense it with my eyes
'Cause the night's so clear

My fingers are all red and numb
From standing in the cold
I can't really feel my thumb
But the feeling won't get old

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Hell this poem's full'a crap
I need some better rhymes
After that my head I'll tap
Against a tree for limes

Well, seriously, I want to improve this poem, because in my opinion it has some good parts. I have problems finding words that rhyme and the rhythm is a bit off.
All critique and stuff is very much welcome. :D


I wish you guys knew Finnish so I could write stuff in my own language.
I could write better rhyming poems in Finnish but if I put them here, you wouldn't most likely understand a word. :(
--

By the way, I didn't get much crit on my last piece of literature (which can be found here). D:
I hope this one would get some more attention.

Holy crap that's panzieish

Holy crap you're immature

Mewtwelve - Thanks for sharing, I thought it was a nice poem. You use a few extra words that you could cut (such as 'the' on numerous occasions), and I think if you threw them out the rhythm would become a tad smoother.

Thanks :D
I modified it a little, removed some of the "the"s.
________________________________________

The scent of freeze is in the air
Tonight the stars will greet me
I see leaves fall on my hair
Branches set them free

Clouds are swaying 'cross the sky
For them I bid farewell
Yes, I know they won't reply
Them will winds dispel

I see the first light above my head
Glowing faintly in the void
Pale is light that it will shed
Still its shine I can't avoid

The edge of the endless skies
Is so very near
It can sense it with my eyes
'Cause the night's so clear

My fingers are all red and numb
From standing in the cold
I can't really feel my thumb
But the feeling won't get old

_________________________________________

Better? The rhythm's still not perfect but idk how to fix it without remaking the whole thing. D:

the second one makes more sense.

Holy crap you're immature :lol

that joke was so funny, i forgot to laugh