Lying cold on the ground, my body racking with shivers. I knew I was going to die soon of starvation. My mother

I think it's quite good. I just have one question: Which pokemon is the protagonist? I don't feel like reading the other post.

Writing wasn't that bad. The flashback storytelling style is somewhat effective. It could do with an editor though (to fix things like switching to 3rd person for a few sentences at the end and inciting general confusion).

The plot conflict, however, is stupid, imho. It' seems to be a rather weak adaptation of a Disney love-at-first-sight story.

Now that I look at it again, I see what you're saying. It won a short story contest on pokefarm, though.

The technical writing itself isn't much of an issue.

I'd say it would have potential if the conflict was given more of a backstory. The chopped up, episodic storytelling technique in the exposition, while serving its purpose, leaves much to be filled in. The end leaves the plot to revolve around a character who, judging from what we've been given, has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It's the product of the main character's (seemingly creepy) whim, and as such gives less of a semblance of structure than what I would hope for.

If subsequent chapters gradually reveal a more thorough timeline of the past, and more relevance is shown, it may mend that a bit. But in that case, the overall story would seem less pointless to me if we were initially led to believe the conflict wasn't something so seemingly trivial (or not even introduce the main conflict yet, as it IS a basic exposition).


tbh I suck at writing though, so don't take my ramblings seriously.

Oh, I think I should mention something: Wolfin and Kolink are the two main mods on pokefarm. Kolink is a shinx and Wolfin is an Ice houndour.